Nine Christmas Movies for Guys Who Hate Christmas Movies

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Submitted by RJ Carter on Tue, 12/09/2014 - 00:00

Christmas time is here, and with it yet another excuse for a useless list that nobody will ever agree with -- at least, not wholeheartedly.

I don't care. It's my list, and if it does anything at all, maybe it will get people talking. That's why we have the Disqus comments section, so that people can offer alternatives.

There are countless Christmas movies out there, but so few of them are ones that guys can watch and retain their self-respect. (Trust me, if you get caught watching THE CHRISTMAS SHOES at an emotional moment, you may as well consign your testicles to your wife, because you've just subscribed to a year of watching Lifetime movies with her.) So presented here are our Top Nine Movies for Guys Who Hate Christmas Movies.

Why Top Nine and not Top Ten? Because of the classic line from "The Twelve Days of Christmas" -- Nine Ladies Dancing! And here are our nine dancing ladies to introduce each title.

You're welcome.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

Come on, guys, what do you really want for Christmas. How about some time alone? It's almost a certainty that nobody is going to sit with you to watch this moldy hunk of cinema cheese. The only hallmark of this film is that it's Pia Zadora's first professional film appearance as the little girl Martian, Gir-mar. (There was also Bo-mar as the boy, Mo-mar as the mom, and King-mar as the King. I don't know about you, but I think I can break this code.)

SCROOGED

Sure, if you want to be a purist about it, you can go with the Alastair Sim version of the curmudgeon. But Bill Murray's Frank Cross taps into the cynicism of the modern man. Plus, Murray was in his heyday, having completed GHOSTBUSTERS and on his way to GROUNDHOG DAY. It's a laugh-out-loud funny version of the original Charles Dicken story. (Beware: there are other modern twists on this story -- they air on Lifetime. You've been warned.)

DOCTOR WHO: TIME OF THE DOCTOR

Who would have thought that the cult series would come to be known for its Christmas specials? Get your geek on with this Victorian-set Christmas tale full of lasers, blasters, and killer aliens. This special-effects laden special features the almost-final appearance of Matt Smith as The Doctor, and copious scenes of cute-as-a-button Jenna Coleman as his companion, Clara Oswald. It just isn't Christmas until the Time Lord croaks.

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

On the one hand, it's one of the earliest diversity stories out there, so it's that PC kind of thing that puts guys to sleep. On the other hand, it's the best evidence out there that even Santa Claus can be a dick, so it's something to point to when she calls you on it yourself. Hey, if even Santa isn't perfect, what chance do us regular guys have, right?

MIRACLE ON 34th STREET

The miracle isn't the fact that Edmund Gwenn really turns out to be Santa Claus, or that young Natalie Wood gets a nuclear family. No, the miracle in this classic Christmas story is that, in the end, the man not only gets to be right, but the woman admits that she was wrong! Now isn't that a Christmas miracle any man would love to have happen?

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

You grew up watching this, but let's run down the list of guy-things in this film. (1) A naked Donna Reed hiding in the bushes (just because it was off camera doesn't mean it wasn't part of the story). (2) A banker bastard that everyone loves to hate. (3) A barfight. (4) A suicide attempt brought on by stress happening during the holidays.

Maybe you didn't see it all those times watching this Frank Capra classic, but when you think about it, they're all there. Plus, Jimmy Stewart does such a fantastic job of tapping into the frustrations of the everyman, whether he's going to Washington or shooting Liberty Valance, that he makes George Bailey all the more real for us.

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION

Our third lady dancing brings us this film -- which, yes, is ranked third, but should be number one on your repeat list. You should watch this one over and over, guys. You should be able to quote Clark Griswold at the drop of a hat. His climactic rant should be your ringtone, loud, going off at work so your boss can hear it (in case he gets any crazy ideas about skipping the Christmas bonus this year). Chevy Chase truly epitomizes the regular guy at Christmastime, as he deals with being nice to relatives you don't see all year long and risking his life to put lightbulbs on the roof of the house.

A CHRISTMAS STORY

You'll shoot your eye out! Every guy knows the running line of this chapter in the life of little Ralphie Parker, because we all believe that his childhood was <i>our</i> childhood -- or at least the idealized version of it. What really makes this a guy's movie, though, is that the main goal throughout the story was Ralph's dream of being afforded his Second Amendment rights while everyone in authority tries to deny them. We've all had friends do stupid things, we've all had daydreams about teachers in school, and we've all had bullies in our lives that we'd love to punch out repeatedly. But how many of us get to come out of it at the end of the day with the top-of-the-line firearm we've been drooling over? You go, Ralphie!

DIE HARD

It's December 25th. The hero is travelling through the building by way of the air ducts (which is all a chimney really is, at its most basic level). And it's snowing. To me, that qualifies DIE HARD as a Christmas movie. The fact that it has explosions and a hail of gunfire just makes it all that much better! So how about a "Yippee-Ki-Yay" for our final lady dancing, and pop in this Bruce Willis gem while sitting in front of a crackling fireplace. Merry Christmas!