Horoscope Says Avoid Zodiac, Signs of the Apocalypse

There have been several disaster movies that rely on "signs and wonders" as a plot device, but few as hokey as ZODIAC: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE.

An archeological dig uncovers an ancient stone machine harboring a stone of unmeasurable energy. The machine is geared to the twelve signs of the zodiac, the orbit of the eight planets -- and the eliptical orbit of the mysterious planet Nebiru. Professor Neil Martin (Joel Gretsch) is brought in to help understand the device, and he brings along his shy teenaged son, Colin (Reilly Dolman). Martin unlocks the device, landing the stone inside in the hands of Kathryn Keen (Emily Holmes) and her government bosses, starting with Agent Woodward (Aaron Douglas). They also end up rescuing Sophie (Andrea Brooks), who was the assistant on the last mission to the dig, who got buried in a cave-in.

All the government wanted was the stone, but Martin believes the machine is a warning, and that it also offers protection of some kind -- or it did until it was tampered with and the power source removed. Now, every time the stone is exposed, another natural disaster happens. But not just any natural disaster! No, these disasters happen in the order of the zodiac houses, and their appearance actually looks like the zodiac symbols: erupting lava geysers look like the symbol for Aries. A giant wall cloud looks like the symbol for Libra. An inbound meteor leaves a smoky trail in the sky that looks like Leo. Of course, it only looks like that if you're standing in the right spot, and seeing it from the right angle, but fortunately the camera is always perfectly positioned.

Salvation for all comes with help from a survivalist / conspiracy theorist named Marty (Ben Cotton) and an eccentric billionaire inventor played by Christopher Lloyd named Harry Setag ('Gates' spelled backward for those blind to the blunt).

The plan to save the earth is predicated on only one man being smart enough to see what's going on, blocked at every turn by one man who's too dense to admit there's a problem. There's not much more depth than that, and the special effects are so low budget that they're actually below sea level. More graphic work went into the DVD case than into any one of the disaster scenes. Spending two hours watching this film, you'll come out wishing the world had ended.