Greytober Reviews: Would You Rather

Day three! Otherwise known as the night I realized that I had yet to set up a queue on Netflix! Seriously, going through the list on my Xbox is one star this, PG-13 that. Fuck that. PG-13 horror is for kids. Though I will say that the storage unit movie sounds appealing, yes, I found another one called. This one is called Storage 24, and the bad guy is aliens, and maybe I’ll do it in a few days, but for now, Would You Rather!

Would You Rather, now that’s a game I haven’t played in years. Or sober.

Hot blonde interviewing at a restaurant, no experience, apparently had to come back home to take care of her brother. Job isn’t much, but she seems to get it.

Really long opening credits sequence, and there are people fighting outside. Not in the movie, outside my actual window. At two in the morning. Because of course. I actually missed her talking with her brother, whom I assuming has cancer given the head covering, but I was trying to listen to drunk people bitching loudly.

The Doctor is Bob from Walking Dead! And the guy he introduces her is totally the voice of Question from JLU (yes, I confirmed that, but the voice is clear as day to someone that was watching it last week). Anyway, he invites her to a dinner that will have other people there, and there will be a game, and the winner gets money for whatever they want. He won’t say what the loser gets (I’m assuming violent death). She’s a bit sketched out, but Dr. Bob from Walking Dead vouches for him. Seems years ago he went to one of these dinners, and he played the game, and he won! And it changed his life!

She asks for time to think about it, is told she can have it...but she has to RSVP by eight that night. Oh, her brother needs a kidney, it isn’t cancer, and if she wins he can go to the top of the list? Yep, this dude is super rich.

Iris is main girl, and she didn’t get the job. And she can’t give her brother a kidney. So she dibs through the trash to get the card of the guy so she can RSVP. She lies to her brother about where she’s going, and he doesn’t really seem to care. I guess he wants to be left alone for a bit, and assumes that she needs a night out.

Ooooh, they sent a car for her. Fancy. She gets to dream about her brother talking to her about living her own life and not just taking care of him. He seems like a practical dude for a dying teenager. House is fancy too.

Victor from Dollhouse! Black guy with a giant afro! One is from Iowa, the other is from Seattle, so rich Voice of Question guy is flying them in from all over. There’s a woman in a wheelchair that Iris held a door for earlier. Victor and Afro (Lucas and Cal, henceforth), run her through the rest of the cast. I’ll do it as they matter. If they matter.

Dr. Bob from Walking Dead is arguing in his office with Voice of Question, trying to talk him out of wanting Iris. It’s a flashback from a drinking Bob (I’ve looked up his character name, but for now he’s still Bob).

PENGUIN FROM GOTHAM! WITH BLONDE HAIR! He’s the son of the rich guy! THIS MOVIE HAS PEOPLE! YES! Apparently he’s being told to take a firm “no touching” stance because of something that happened the previous year.

Game setup! Everybody must leave their phones and keys and purses. Makes sense. Well, the phones part does, since I imagine this game is going to get brutal and hopefully bloody (and I imagine Victor from Dollhouse/Lucas goes horribly).

The other girl seems really familiar, but I can’t place her, and I haven’t looked at the character or actress name yet.

Everyone sits down for dinner and wine. No, I’m not going to list off the menu, but it’s all meat, and Iris is a vegetarian, and there is no non-meat option. Voice of Question, who will now be called Mr. Lambrick, tries to talk her into eating the meat. She gets offered TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS to eat the steak. Jesus Christ woman, EAT THE STEAK! IT’S IN A STACK OF CASH IN FRONT OF HER! SHE DID IT! And Lambrick mocks how he bought off her morals, and then clarifies that this is nothing compared to what’s to come.

Another guy is at the table skipping the wine, so Lambrick offers him scotch, but guy doesn’t drink. Recovering alcoholic, called on it promptly, sixteen years sober. What’s his price? He’s getting offered ten grand, and once again, stack of money on the table. Won’t do it. Stack is now FIFTY GRAND to drink some scotch. “I am DEADLY serious”. Guy doesn’t want to do it, and you actually watch him break as he’s talked into drinking straight from the decanter.

That’s sixty thousand dollars, cash, so far. And the game hasn’t begun. And that guy is fall over the table drunk.

Rules of the game! Every round every player will have to choose between choice A and choice B, and apparently none of them are very good choices. Example! He asks a guy if he’d rather kiss Iris or another guy. And you have to act upon it! So now he’s gotta go kiss Iris (or not, apparently just being an example he doesn’t have to do it), and that other girl is still so damn familiar. You play until you can’t go anymore, and if you refuse, you’re DQ’d. Fifteen second decision making windows.

Cal, Afro Guy, wants to know why he can’t just help all of them, and why it has to be a game. Lambrick spews a mouthful of shit that more or less screams “I’m a rich sociopath”. This is the last chance anyone has to back out. Drunk guy stands up, picks up his money...and sits right back down. He’s feeling it.

First question! Wait, no ,the staff is bringing in stuff and sealing the door. Andddd the butler used to be an interrogator for MI-5, and he just brought in some torture device. Now drunk guy wants out. He yells, curses, and gets shot in the face. The staff all has guns now, and everyone is forced back to their seats. This just got interesting. “I think I want to go home.” “At this point participation is mandatory, I think I’ve made that perfectly clear”.

Cal is up first, and he gets some stuff on his head. Would he rather electrocute himself, or Amy (familiar girl). He gets to push a button to decide. PUSH THE BUTTON! Dude chose...himself? Noble. Penguin is running the clock. Next up is wheelchair old woman and Amy, Amy’s question, and she shocks the old woman before the question is even out of Lambrick’s mouth. Linda, wheelchair lady, and some guy are next, he tries to leave, again, everyone has guns. Old woman shocks him, she knows the pain. This is pretty tame so far, but hey, round one.

Dr. Barden time, or Dr. Bob if you’re a Walking Dead fan. He gets a gun and gets in his car, I’m assuming to go save Iris.

Lucas gets shocked as they go around the table, and the guy who shocked him seems to have taken one, and Lucas says he won’t do it to Iris. So far Amy is the only person who hasn’t had it done. Lucas, as promised, fries himself, and now Iris gets to choose if Cal gets another round. He tells her to do what she’s gotta do, which I assume means he gets it, but watch her get herself. Called it.

They get a moment to breathe while the next round is prepared, and only Amy got out safe. They try working out escape plans, but they don’t have much of anything. Penguin comes in to mock them, and he’s awesome. Someone tries to stand up to him, but does a crappy job. Staff is rolling out plastic across the room, possibly getting Dexter-y. But they cut to Barden pulling up and starting to sneak onto the property.

Round two! Lambrick offers bathroom breaks, then admits it’s a joke. Odd. Thirty second time limits this time! Iris to start off, would she rather...stab Cal in the thigh with an icepick or strike Travis three times with an African “hwhipping” (say it like Stewie says Cool hWhip) staff. She takes the staff, and Lambrick lets her know she better whack him hard or it won’t count. I guess it’s beating time. First one is a dud, so he makes her do it over, and yeah, three strikes and dude’s back is super bloody. Lucas! Stab Iris in the thigh or whip Travis three more times. Penguin is laughing, and so am I.

Lucas rationalizes to Travis why he’s about to choose to whip him some more, and come on, who is surprised by this? He’s already taken a shock for her, and now Travis is actually getting whipped because Lucas is twice Iris’s size. Travis is up. Stab Lucas or get whipped three more times by Bevans, the MI-5 butler. Alfred on crack. Travis, rightfully, has a bit of a breakdown, what with the being whipped and being offered to choose to be whipped again, and he takes the beating rather than stab anyone. I bet Amy stabs someone. Lucas tells him to stab him, and Lambrick tells him the choice is made.

Next guy gets to choose between stabbing a lady or whipping Travis some more. Not just a lady, it’s wheelchair lady. He rationalizes stabbing her because she’s paralyzed. LINDA IS GETTING STABBED! And he went too deep and she’s bleeding out! Ha! Linda gets to choose between whipping Travis or stabbing Amy, and she just hauls off and stabs Amy. Not like she could have gotten up to whip Travis. Amy time! Travis whipping or stab anyone of her choice. Interesting. She understands the game is about winning, not getting everyone out in one piece. So she plays duck duck goose with a knife. She wants to know if she can stab Iris anywhere, and gets her in the side. Bitch has a mean streak! Travis falls over, Linda passes out, and Iris is bleeding out. This movie is getting fun.

Ninja Doctor sneaking into the house with a gun! This guy is great at breaking and entering.

Travis is unconcious, Linda is dead. Peter wants everyone to know he tried to help her, Lambrick reminds him that he stabbed her. Cal is up. Finish off Travis or stab Lucas. Cal is thinking about following Amy’s lead, and Lucas is telling him to stab him. Lucas is noble, he’s totally going to die horribly. Cal goes and beats Travis three more times on the ground. Round is over. Travis is eliminated.

Everyone goes quiet before attacking the guards and trying to get free. Cal gets shot in the chest by Lambrick, Iris gets to a different room, and Lucas gets dragged up by his throat. Now we’ve got three in the room, and Iris running around the house trying to get out while Bevans chases her. She manages to get all the way to the place Barden snuck in, but Penguin (not going to stop calling him that) catches her and wrestles her to the ground. Speaking of Barden, he’s still slinking around with a gun. Penguin makes a move like he’s going to rape Iris, she stabs him, Barden shows up to give a speech about making a mistake that totally foreshadows the death that came too quick for me to call it in text.

Bevans takes Iris back to the game, leaving Penguin on the ground with a knife in his leg. He tells Lambrick what happened, and he storms out. When he comes back...he apologizes to Iris? Really? He’ll let her get stabbed, but he’ll apologize for his son being a little prick?

Next round! Everyone gets an envelope, and a barrel gets rolled in. Thirty seconds to decide between two minutes underwater, or the mystery envelope. I’m picturing Peter Griffin and the Mystery Box, “It could even be a boat!”. First up is a guy with gambling problems who is overthinking everything out loud and chooses the envelope. It’s a card with a picture of a firecracker...and he has to light one off in his hand or else he gets shot in the face. Alrighty. That’s a big ass firecracker getting taped to his hand. Oh god, this is going to be….ouch. Lambrick teases it could be a dud, but come on, we all know it won’t be. For a second it looks like it might be a dud, but then a boom, and then he hits the ground. Peter has a heart attack, and then he dies. Three to go.

Lucas is up! What is this noble bastard going to do? Horrible death awaits! Envelope! Picture of an eye...oh god, he’s going to gouge it out, isn’t he? That’s the picture from the Netflix preview screen. “Split it open”, the hell is that? Razor blade. Jesus, yeah, I’m unsettled, and I’m not sure I want to watch...I will watch.

In a minute, my cat is attacking bags, and being adorable, so she is going to get some love before I watch gore.

Alright, Lucas has ten seconds to cut out his eye, and he does it...off screen. Iris is next, and she takes the bucket. Who can hold their breath for two minutes with a large British man holding their head down? And I really need to change the settings on my PS3, because it just changed over devices to check for updates (this is what I get for using an HDMI switch). Anyway, my screen is blurry, and Amy won’t watch, and Lambrick is drinking tea, and Iris is thinking about her brother talking to her about her drowning in a boat in a dream he had. She starts fighting, because the whole drowning thing, and her brother is talking about letting go...and she gets out alive. Like, her two minutes end right there, and that was...mildly intense. Apparently her card would have had all of her teeth extracted.

Alright Amy, what you got bitch? Apparently a dead husband and daughter...now I feel bad. She goes with the envelope, and it’s the barrel...for four minutes. Now I recognize her! She’s that porn star that was on one of the crappier seasons of Entourage! And they shove her down before she can take a breath. Yeah, she’s going to die. And Lucas isn’t bleeding nearly enough. Amy quits fighting, Bevans drags her out, and yeah, done. Lambrick says he had her pegged to win, and if not for Isis being the lead, I would have too.

Lambrick congratulates Lucas and Iris on getting to the finals, and expresses how happy he is with the game tonight, and then he tells them that typically the player who goes first in the last round tends to win. Coin toss! Iris wins (loses?)! Would you rather A end the game with both free to leave empty handed but alive, or B shoot Lucas with a gun and win outright. Well, now I see why whoever goes first tends to win. At this point I’d just shoot the guy. Lucas is stoked, they can leave! And then he realizes she’s thinking about it, so he decides to tell her his story.

Oh goody, story time. He talks about her brother, and how he’s got three sisters, and BAM! Shot in the chest! Thank god, I didn’t want to hear that story! Lambrick and Bevans applaud her, as do I, while she cries, But hey, she won! Money! Saved brother! She can pay off all debts, go back to school, and her brother will get his procedure before the end of the week. Pretty sweet deal. He wants a thank you, she gives him one, and off she goes. All slow and filled with enough PTSD to ruin her life.

She gets home, goes to see her brother but he’s asleep, and I’m expecting him to be dead via suicide for some reason, possibly because I’m a terrible person, but also because all he’s done all movie is talk about dying and her being better off without him. Even her drowning flashback was to him talking about him dreaming about drowning. Anyway, she cleans up, goes to see him again and he still hasn’t budged. Yep, he dead. Pill overdose.

Iris did it all for nothing. I love this ending. I mean, really, this is the kind of ending I hope for in a movie like this. If the lead survives, their life should be altered in some horrible and ironic way.

This movie did a great job of teasing the twist at the end without shoving it down your throat, though Iris is an idiot for not realizing that her brother viewed himself as a burden holding her back, and that he already assumed he was going to die. I don’t blame him at all for his suicide, just like I don’t blame her for shooting Lucas in the chest to end the game.

It also did a great job of managing the brutality, never going too over the top while also hardly staying tame.

My only real issue is that Penguin isn’t seen again after getting stabbed in the leg, and he was pretty much the best part of the movie. Snarky jackass. So awesome. Best character on Gotham.

Alright, fine, I'd also have liked a bit more detail into the other people and their reasons for being there, because all I really figured out was that Lucas had sisters, and that Amy had a dead husband and kid. Did I miss the part where there's an explanation for why Travis got ganged up on?

High marks, this is one I’m going to recommend to people this month! First of the season!

Final Score: Seven Travis whips out of ten